Global Warming And Flatulence
February 14, 2012

Global warming is in the news again. Now one noted German Professor of Gastronomy, Maxwell Von Schmelling, said he has discovered the cause of all that gas.

“Flatulence,” he said, “is why life on earth stinks.”

He went on to state that every life form from the lowly ameba to humans to creatures in the sea and even some rare exotic plants exude harmful gases into the atmosphere. And this has been going on since creation. (Thank God we got rid of the dinosaurs.)

“This has got to stop or vee will all be asphyxiated!” Prof. Schmelling warned.

According to the good professor, the human species is mostly at fault. I mean, how much gas can be blamed on shrimp or squid? So we humans, he said, must limit the amount of flatulence we produce on a daily basis, or die.

According to Schmelling, the Greeks, Russians, and French are the worst offenders, followed by the Irish due to their consumption of large amounts of dark beers. Although the English never admit to passing gas, Prof. Schmelling’s findings prove that they do. It’s just that the human ear is incapable of hearing their emissions. However, many English Setters and a certain bred of sheep in Scotland reportedly have gone deaf due to the extremely high pitch of gas coming from England’s populace. Schmelling attributed this to the English having such tight asses.

Adolph Hitler’s gas, he admitted, was so frequent and so foul that 12 high-ranking Nazi generals surrendered to the Russians rather than spend one more day in the confines of Hitler’s underground bunker. Likewise, a few brave followers of Osama bin Laden have defected to the American side because they said the air in their cave was putrid. They said they asked their leader to put in a window or two, or even a small a/c unit, but he denied their request.

Prof. Schmelling demanded that a law be passed immediately to limit the amount of gas each human being can expel before being reprimanded and flogged, or sent to a gas chamber. At one point during his speech in Berlin he became so furious with the doubting audience that he turned to the German Chancellor and shouted: “Mein Fuhrer! You must heed my words!” At this point, he was shackled and dragged away.

Personally, I agree with the deranged professor. A law should be passed.

Of course, old farts like me would be exempt because we no longer have control of our bodily or mental functions.